Site Index | Blog What's New? Review List Stuff Review Outline Why Hate Anime? Wheat RoD: The TV Haibane Renmei Teen Titans Chaff Akira Legend of the Overfiend Black Heaven The prefix ".hack//" is used in #rm2k to denote something which is mind-numbingly boring. An episode of the Simpsons which is boring would be called .hack//SIMPSONS. It can also be used to describe the unbelievably slow... a car that tops out at 25mph might be called a .hack//CAR. Now, regular signs are pretty dull to begin with, so it stands to reason that .hack//SIGN is exceedingly so. I'm glad the Cheshire Cat is still finding work these days. .hack//SIGN is, unfortunately, a twenty-six episode series which airs during Cartoon Network's Saturday night action block. How it ended up there is anyone's guess, since .hack//SIGN is essentially the antithesis of action. There have been documentaries about lectures about soil that are more exciting than this anime. Characters: There are lots and lots of characters in .hack//SIGN. None of them are the least bit interesting. Each exists to fulfill his or her cookie cutter role, and thats it. Character development does exist throughout the series, but much like the movement of tectonic plates it is impossible to discern. The series' protagonist is Tsukasa, a mysterious boy who hides many secrets and blah blah introspective yadda yadda dark and brooding hum-dee-dum-dee-dum. Tsukasa tries to hit a high-note with angsty teens anywhere, but fails miserably as he manages only to whine a lot. Tsukasa spends entirely too much time doting and fawning over a sleeping girl and getting taunted by a stuffed cat. This is symbolic of his insatiable addiction to date rape. (Not really... which is too bad since it might make the series interesting to watch.) Bear looks bored. I don't blame him. The cute'n'perky well-meaning airhead role is taken by Mimiru, who carries a big sword and attaches herself to Tsukasa like a leech. Alongside her is Bear, a big burly dude in furry underwear who is painted like he belongs at the Superbowl. There isn't much to say about either of these characters. I'm pretty sure you could swap every single line of dialogue they have, and the series would be exactly the same. There are other characters too, like BT and Subaru and Sora, but you can ignore them. Or replace them with a potted cactus in your mind while you watch the show; that's a funny mental image! Story: All of the characters in .hack//SIGN are actually avatars of players in an online RPG called "The World". Our story opens as Tsukasa finds himself stuck inside the game, unable to log out. Various people learn about this curiosity and begin following Tsukasa around to varying degrees of earnestness, including a gaggle of game moderators called the Crimson Knights. This isn't a screenshot; it's an .avi of a whole episode. Eventually they all start in on a rumor about a message board post in a foreign language that was deleted well over a year ago, alluding to a secret item in The World known only as the Key of the Twilight. There seems to be some sort of link between the Key of the Twilight and Tsukasa, so naturally he and his companions seek it out. That's the plot synopsis up to the point in the series I've seen so far. Having read summaries off of episode guides around the internet, I know that * Tsukasa and his buddies eventually make their way to a section of the game where deleted files go, where some stuff happens, and leads to Tsukasa finally being able to log out of the game. * Doesn't sound like too bad a plot, eh? You're forgetting that this series is twenty-six episodes long. That story might merit four or five episodes, tops, or better yet, a ninety minute movie. To fill up the other twenty-one, we're treated to lots of conversations, conversations about conversations, and flashbacks to conversations about conversations. One would think that in an anime about people playing a game there would be some, you know, playing. Instead, each episode spends the first eleven minutes recapping the prevoius episode and the second eleven moving the plot along at a ridiculous glacial pace. Mimiru displays her fashionable gogo boots next to a football with eyes. Animation: .hack//SIGN's only saving grace (if it indeed has one) is that it's very pretty to look at. The characters all have cool-looking fantasy-style outfits and carry outrageous weapons, and the settings (while fairly open and empty) are fairly well detailed. Everything is bright and colorful, even to the point of gross over-exaggeration, just like you'd find in a video game. Plus, there are some nifty computer effects thrown in here and there for good measure. The problem is, none of it ever moves around. As nifty as the characters look, the only part of them that ever moves are their mouths. I'm sure if you were to pay attention, you could even count the number of blinks in any given scene on one-half hands. The few action scenes that are here (emphasis on few ) are over almost before they begin, and generally consist of Character #1 swinging his/her weapon, Character #2 parrying, they talk for a while, then break loose and have another pass. I'm sure the .hack//SIGN artbook is very cool, and I'm sure there's lots of amazing fanart out there. I just think the animators forgot they were making a cartoon and drew a comic strip instead. Culture Shock: Fortunately there's nothing in .hack//SIGN that your typical white boy can't pick up on. (In fact, there's nothing in .hack//SIGN that your typical kindergartener can't pick up on, but that's beside the point.) After all, the whole story takes place inside a virtual world devoid of any real culture, so apart of some Japanese names there's nothing to worry about. However, I did knock off two hamhams for the combined sugary queasiness of the cat-doll thing, the obnoxious seven-year-old schoolgirl character, and The World's entire population of grunties. "I'm... a puppet?" "Yeah, whatever. You're a puppet." There is one part of .hack//SIGN which is worthy of praise, and that's the soundtrack. I don't include a rating for music because I generally don't notice it while watching anime, but in .hack//SIGN it's not like I had anything more important to concentrate on. So while the series itself is only worth owning in the Bizarro universe where boredom means "super fun HAPPY action time", the soundtrack merits a purchase for the spiffy tunes. Other than that, I can't understand the appeal of this particular anime. I simply cannot articulate how brain-grindingly slow this series moves. In twenty-six episodes, Tsukasa and his buddies manage to have one adventure. Even folks in the second most boring cartoon in the world, Justice League, can manage thirteen adventures in that time. Plus, they Links Official Site Defragmented IMDB Listing Animenation Listing punch people sometimes and fly around. In short, I would like to congratulate .hack//SIGN for dethroning Seinfeld as the ultimate show about nothing. Long live the king! Overall Rating:

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